Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Fight? That’s All?


We fight, we exchange words, and we throw blame and its over.

What is it exactly that happens when two people fight? Is it really about who is wrong and who is right? Is it the result of trying to show the other our point of view? Or is it more about ego? Is it really about what we need to say or just wanting to have the final say? Is it about what really happened or what we would have liked to have happened? Is it about telling the other our true feelings, or just saying things that would exonerate us from our own guilt and self blame. With our anger raging, it is all about what we want to emerge with? Who gets the bigger chunk of the other?

In most cases it is more like a battle field were the final outcome depends on how much ground we have gained. But once the dust settles we sometimes notice that the grounds we gained are not grounds we would have liked to tread given time and clearer thinking. Even though we sometimes emerge as the winners we end up stuck with words we would rather not have said or heard and these are the words that remain to resonate in our heads. Tougher than injuries and what is even worse is how they develop their own voices to play themselves over and over again in or  own heads creating an ongoing battle that never stops, burning their own fires that can consume us and render us helpless to forgive. But then enough time passes, enough to make us wonder why we fought in the first place? I am always left with the same conclusion; it is simply not worth it.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Old Friendships Don’t Die


friendship_lgChinese symbol of friendship via luckyicons

Sorry to be the party pooper, but they do.

All the time.


Several of mine have passed away. Some of natural causes, some because of suicidal tendencies and some cases were homicides with the case closed since the murderer was unknown and not to be known.

You think it will never happen to you, but beware, it might. What is even worse is when you discuss this very issue with the same person (friend) that will one day be the murderer of one of your friendships. Does this give that person the upper hand? Does discussing such cases of relationship sudden death with a friend open a window to your soul that they can later use to enter the depths of your soul and wreak havoc? Does this make them stronger during your mourning period?

And what do we do? Never ever discuss death of a friendship with our friends? Do you go through life and relationships assuming that one day they will die, therefore remain secretive and refrain from talking about how you feel concerning this issue?

I don’t know. It so happens that I am mourning several relationships and not sure exactly how to approach this topic. A sane person would safely assume that having lost three friendships in a matter of a few years definitely makes me the bad person. Assume, that is the key word, but the point is they died. Regardless of the reasons and whom to blame they did and at the moment of death it is not really important whose fault it is. Looking at the film of memories left behind by the dead relationship, whose fault it is becomes background scenery and you are left alone in the morgue of dead relationships watching your good and bad moments on a huge screen and just feeling sad. The irony is that the older the relationship the longer the movie you have to watch.

But life goes on. We form new relationships and funny enough we forget that they also perhaps might die, or at least we hope they won’t and we do allow ourselves to love again.